So, you probably thought I just gave up on this whole blog thing. Well, I didn’t plan on not writing for so long, but then you know, Summer. Let’s just say I am not sure what happened. The Summer flew by, and there were just so many things that happened that I wasn’t quite prepared for. You know how it is, it’s just life. We are in a tough season over here, but that’s okay, I am trusting in the Lord, and know by the end of it all, there will be so much I can tell you that the Lord did in me and in my family.
I have been reading quite a bit though, I just haven’t had anything to share with you lately. I always want to encourage on this blog, but this Summer I had nothing encouraging to say, hence the silence. In the last month or so, I have read a couple of books that have really changed me, and God really used them to encourage my sad, defeated self. I read one about having the confidence in how much God loves you, and that He has made you for a specific purpose. We know these things, right? I’m pretty sure I have told you these things myself, but we all get discouraged, and we all forget. Well, the book also talks about how God loves us not matter what, and His love is not based on performance. There is nothing that can stop His love for me. Pretty incredible, SO undeserved.
I realized that somehow I got caught up in trying to live up to God’s love in performance. I am not sure when the shift happened, but it seems that I fall into this pattern after I feel I have failed God. It has taken me 38 years to realize that I have been doing this over and over. Then, I realize the truth, that I just repent, and then move forward. It’s like I think I need to be punished for my failures, instead of asking for forgiveness, repenting, and moving forward. I get stuck wallowing. I don’t know why, I know better. I feel frustrated at the time wasted, and the lies I believed from the enemy. I hate it. But you know what Paul says…
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
Romans 7:15-20 NIV
So, here we are. I’m done wallowing, and believing that God isn’t too happy with me. He sees me through Jesus, so He is pleased with me, just based on that. There is nothing I can do to earn or take away from that. That just amazes me, and I will always fail to get my tiny brain around that fact. His upside down love, that just doesn’t make any sense. It’s upside down grace that gives us chance after chance to keep pressing toward that goal. He wants that for us, for He knows who we are becoming, and who He is making us to be.
I am amazed by it all, and I am amazed that God would even love me. That He would even use me. I am in another season of humbling. It has not been fun at all, but it is much needed, for I can struggle with pride, and there is no place for that when you want Christ to be seen in you. I want it to be only Him, and Him alone. What about you? Do you know that God loves you, that’s it? Nothing can separate you from that love!