I don’t know about you, but I feel like a hot mess at the moment. I feel like crying at the strangest times, and I just feel so out of whack! I know I can thank the hysterectomy partly, though I did get to keep my faithful ovary friends. I guess part of it is just being a woman and dealing with the extra feelings we get to have. I’ve been walking this journey of this whole hysterectomy thing, it’s just been something. I can’t write about the whole thing tonight, because, well, it’d be a novel. So, I’ll give bits here and there about how God has taught me so much through it. I hope you don’t tire of hearing about it.
So, I’m to the point where I’m back in regular life pysically, but I was out of everything for about 6-7 weeks. I didn’t do much socially, well, because I couldn’t, unless thy had a recliner! So, I’ve just jumped back into my regular life, but I don’t feel like myself emotionally. I’m trying to get my bearings, after not having to be responsible for much for a long time, and having nothing on the schedule. Now there’s school, Bible studies and other things. I just hit the ground running pysically, but I forgot to finish working through all of the things I need to deal with.
I’m the kind of person who will tell you anything, I love talking to ladies, and you don’t have to know me to be my friend. There are certain feelings that I don’t know how to always talk about, or how to process. I can tell you tons of mom feelings, but when it comes to deeper things, I don’t want people to know some of the ugly stuff, or just some things that seem silly. Lately, when I’ve been around younger moms, and moms that I used to be right in the trenches with, I feel irrelevant to them. I feel I’m not like them anymore, an imposter. I cried to two of my sweet friends, I just told them how I felt, because, well, I couldn’t help it! It just came out at the weirdest time. I was just crying like a weirdo, but they hugged me, and encouraged me. Through all of my outbursts, and weird emotions through this process, I’m realizing, it’s a transition. Duh! We go through these as moms of little ones about every week. Why did it take me so long to see that? Through all of the events that have happened since my surgery, God has been speaking to me, and pushing me, as He is changing me once again through things in life.
I don’t mind change, I kind of like it, but some of the mom transitions are hard. You wake up one day, and you don’t have babies anymore. You aren’t able to have more either, which is strange, because the younger years drag on in some ways, and it never seems to be over. It seems like you’d always be able to have another child. That isn’t the way life is, so I’m not sure why I didn’t realize that! Now, I have one in kindergarten, and a three year old. They don’t need me as much, which is great in some ways, but in others you feel, well, not needed. Strange, something you’ve been wanting for awhile, now I have it, and it feels foreign. Sometimes, I’m just not sure what I do now. It’s weird to be here, but also good in many ways.
Dealing with the fact that my ability to have kids is gone is much harder than I would’ve thought. We were pretty sure we were done, but then the decision was made for me, by having to have the surgery. That was cruddy, and was not how I would’ve planned it. I’m glad God is God, and He knows how it all fits into His big, big picture. Through all of these emotions and realizations about what my life is like with older kids now, its just a transition. Its shaky at first, figuring out this new mom I am now, and figuring out my new kids. They are changing all of the time, and I’m trying to keep up! I never thought about the emotions of slowly letting go as they grow, but that is what we do…we must.
I finally understand why sometimes older moms don’t hang out with younger moms. The older ones, well, feel old. You don’t feel you have much to offer as well, the memories do fade, as someone said to me. Things do fade, but as we transition to the different kind of mom, let us not forget the desperation of sleepless nights, and the constant crying. How we just wanted to talk to a grown up human, even if they just stared at us. I don’t want to forget that, and I don’t want to fail at being there for the beautiful moms that are a bit behind me on my journey. They need us that are ahead of them. They need our listening ears, and our “I remember that, that was hard!”. Moms in all stages, you are needed! Who can you encourage that might be in a different stage? It can be anyone, even if you can only offer an exhausted smile. Ladies that are ahead of me, we need you too! I need to know what’s ahead, how I can bring up my kids to know and serve the Lord! I crave that wisdom only you have to offer, please share with us. We are all relevant to one another in the body of Christ! We need each other, your life and your stage, unique to you, has so much to offer to the people God has placed in your life. Single, married, mothers, aunts, fathers, uncles, young and old. God made you for a purpose, and He made you to love others, and glorify His name in a way only you can. Don’t let these bumps in the road keep you from being who God made you to be, and lean into how He is growing you every day.
Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body…Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. 1 Cor. 12:15-20, 27 NIV