I know, it’s been awhile. I think I might have started a few posts with that statement. I’ve been struggling with getting back into life after the holidays, and time off. You too? Trying to get my act together and get back into the swing of it all, but it’s been a rough transition. Not sure why, but like I said above, you know it too. The kids have been awful lately too, lots of crying from my three year old, and lots of attitude from my kindergartner. At this moment of time, I am feeling very unsure of everything, especially my abilities as a parent. I don’t understand my kids, and I don’t know what is behind their behaviors, which I have known in their younger years. That has always helped me parent. I’m feeling lost about everything, and I have no idea why. I’m guessing some it may have to do with the hysterectomy and the adjustment of hormones, and some of the very hard and deep emotions I feel lately. There is so much I can’t even verbalize or work through. I feel these emotions are stuck, and I can’t figure out how to work on them.
With all of these things that are very hard to explain to you, I hope you can understand a little bit at least, so I can get to the encouraging part. Right now, you are probably thinking, “Wow. That Shannon really is depressing me, I thought this was a blog for encouragement!”. Hold on, I am getting there, I promise. Even with the intense emptiness I feel, I know where I am rooted. I know my Savior is here. Even with knowing that I can never have another child, which is still something I am grieving, and it hits me at the most unexpected times. I know that God has His unbelievable best for me. Even though my kids seem like they hate my guts, I know that my Father loves me wider and deeper than I can even fathom. Even though I have nothing left to give and do not want to give anymore, I feel God’s strength pushing me towards faithfulness and consistency in my life.
You see, I am not feeling it right now, like AT ALL. I know there are some out there feeling this way, it happens a lot when you are a mother. There are so many intense seasons of it, and they are so painful and hard. This is the place I have been for a while. I have stayed in the Word, and I have been praying, I have been doing the things that I know make me spiritually healthy. I still feel empty. I think God has me in the wildnerness. That’s okay. I am going to faithfully walk with God through it to the other side, and I am going to learn what He wants me to learn. I am going to follow my dear Shepherd and listen closely to His voice, which is even more precious to me now. The thing I read last week that gave me such great comfort was this verse:
My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one. John 10:27-30 (NIV)
When you read that, what do you think? How do you feel? I felt this great sense of peace and safety come over me. I have been feeling like I have been on such rocky ground lately, and this just brought me such a feeling of safety and comfort that I can’t remember ever feeling. I can not be snatched from His hand. Woah. Incredible. Thank you, Lord. Jesus and the Father both have me. No matter what storms come in my life, no matter what swirls around me, I am planted in Him. No matter how I feel, and what seems to all be going wrong, I am in the secure palm of His hand. I may sway, I may bend, I may even be broken, but I am still there, and He will never let me go.
Therefore, Jesus said again, ‘Very truly I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep. All who have come before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep have not listened to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.’ John 10:7-11